just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
last night I used snow as a chaser
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
