Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
