God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
