Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
