this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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