That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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