he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
do herpes really smell.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
