Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
