We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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