Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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