Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
