that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
