the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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