____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
