Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
