He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
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Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
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I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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