I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
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Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
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On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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