Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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