My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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