I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
