Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
