after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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