i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize