4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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