Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
