I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I will be naked everywhere
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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