I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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