My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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