The maid of honor just puked.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
