You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
