Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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