if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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