In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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