I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
