I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
