who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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