Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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