it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
