I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
