Acid is not a monday night drug
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK