eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
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these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
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I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....