here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
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do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
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You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.