we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
