Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
