I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't think brook has ever known best
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
