You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
