My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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