he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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