Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
