I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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