She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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