So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
