Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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