I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
