a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
