I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm too high and old for this...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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